When It Comes To BDSM, I’m Lucky To Be A Guy

Yeah, that title sounds odd, but I think you’ll understand what I mean soon enough.

When it comes to BDSM, and any type of submission or sexual slavery associated with it, I count myself very lucky to be a guy.

Because it is truly disgusting what kinds of horrible things happen to women in this world.

Of course, that’s not to say that the male slave can’t get himself into a very bad situation with a sick individual if he is stupid about how he plays. It’s just that women seem to be victimized far more often than men. Within the BDSM community and obvious outside of it.

Yeah, this post is motivated by something I heard recently. Something ugly that happened to a friend of mine. A woman and slave. She’s not stupid either. Has long been involved with alternative lifestyles, and is well versed in safety when it comes to BDSM. Sometimes no matter how careful you are bad still happens. She was careful. Things went bad. And it’s not my place to say more, but I feel like writing something.

And that is the context within which I mean the title of this post.

When you put yourself in the position of a slave, especially when bondage is involved, you’ve left yourself open to all kinds of non-consensual horror, if you haven’t been very careful in the partner you chose to give your trust to, and if that partner doesn’t live up to the trust he appeared worthy of.

Once bound, it doesn’t matter of you are male or female, if you were foolish in your choices, or if you were fooled well enough, you could be in for anything from a nightmare that will haunt you to far worse.

But it seems that women run a higher risk of this happening than a male slave does. I’d like to think that it’s because dominant women are less likely to abuse one’s trust or for that matter to simply be abusive in a way that crosses the line of enjoyment. (Women are quite capable of doing ugly things too. There are plenty of stories about male submission gone wrong. But those stories are heavily outweighed by how often this happens to women.)

That whole line of “safe, sane, consensual” that is common throughout the BDSM community sounds a little cheesy at times, but it’s validity and importance cannot be questioned, especially in regard to some of the darker fetish tastes people have.

Many a slave gets excited off the idea of non-consensual play, or “open consent”. But that’s just like any kind of extreme sexual fantasies we have – the dream is incredible, but it often doesn’t fit the reality.

You might have an extreme fetish like the very common rape fantasy, but it’s your fantasy and thus when you daydream over it, your mind is still in control of the participants and details that happen.

When living in reality, chances are highly likely that if you found yourself dropped in the darker depths of your fetish, it wouldn’t be as wonderful as you dreamed. Yes, there are some who actually even want that ugly extreme, but usually they have as many problems as those who would abuse them.

That’s the line we walk in BDSM. Both the slave and the dominant. The more real the scene, the more intense the feelings. We want that extreme. We want the fear and the power. We want the reality. But we want it within the limits of what we’d enjoy, however twisted the way we enjoy it.

It’s that intensity that we get off on, but chasing that extreme can lead one down a bad road if you don’t watch how far you go, or who you let lead you.

There are many ways to chase the high without running off a cliff. BDSM role-play with someone you trust is the best option to explore these sexual fantasies within reasonable limits – hence the BDSM “safe, sane consensual”. Enjoy the extreme, but enjoy it wisely.

These conditions and desires are the common starting point for the standard femdom session with a professional dominatrix. Her expertise and professionalism allow her to create an atmosphere that well fits your fetish and the fantasy you have involving it. She can lay down realistic limits and work within them, reacting to how you are during session. Many a male slave wants more than he can handle, and one of the best signs of a solid dominatrix is her ability to see that, while still giving the slave the time of his life. She doesn’t go beyond what he can realistically handle, but through masterful handling of the session he feels like he got all he hoped for.

If where you live doesn’t provide the opportunity to meet one of these very fine and highly skilled dominant women, then your best bet is to find someone else who is into BDSM and shares the same fetish as you. Build a relationship with that person on some level over time, and learn as much as you can about what it is you want to do. The internet can help with that learning, and also with the finding (BDSM personals like CollarMe.com for example). Just weigh what you read before you believe everything you see, and be smart about who you get involved with.

Remember, submission means you are handing yourself over to another person to some degree. Just because they say they know all about sexual domination, and possibly read a couple websites to lend proof to it, doesn’t mean they have a clue when it comes to what might happen to you. There are plenty more people out there into BDSM than you may think. Don’t think the first person you talk to is your only hope, simply because you’ve never talked to anyone really into your fetish before.

And don’t fall for any scams. If the woman lives in a foreign country and wants you to send all this money to fly her over so she can either be your slave or make you hers, she’s probably some guy posting fake pictures ready to steal all the cash he can from you. “Oh, but she talked to me on the phone!” – so what. You think women can’t pull scams, or that guys can’t get women to talk on the phone to you, sucker?

Speaking of phones, something like domination phone sex is another safe way to enjoy your sexual fantasies. To me it falls too short of the real thing but there are some who are really into it. Sometimes you can find a professional dominatrix who does phone domination on the side, and that can be really good. But I guess the big advantages are the pretty much complete safety, and how you can play out really extreme fantasies, things not at all realistic or safe, since it’s all in your mind. And if you find a true dominant woman to talk to, it can be very good since domination and submission are largely mental anyway.

More people than you’d imagine are into BDSM on some level. And people today are growing ever more open minded to the fetish possibilities that are out there. But you can’t force someone to be into what you are. Sometimes you can open up to your girlfriend and she will give it a try. And sometimes she’ll freak. Male submission seems odd to some women, while to others it can be very comfortable to them to be in sexual control. She may find she’s more dominant than she realized, and that she likes it.

It’s often far easier for women who aren’t into BDSM to accept the possibility of male submission and the sort of fetish play that surrounds it, than to be told you want to make them your slave, be called “master” and whip them :) Being in control of something that seems odd, threatening, or embarrassing, is a lot easier to digest.

One thing I’ve learned is – if you don’t fulfill your desires, you end up regretting it.

But if you’re an idiot in how you seek to fulfill your sexual fantasies, you may well regret it a whole lot more.

- Tomas, a sometimes male slave

~ by sometimesmaleslave on January 25, 2009.